Fan Mail Reject

This dude sent me some fan mail sayin he was a bastard n shit but i think hes a lyer. i dont know any bastards who wear tight white pants, and a sequined shirt? WHO IS THIS DOOD? He tried 2 tell me he plays blues but theres no way. HES prolly in an animal collective cover band. SO DEAR DOOD..... REJECTED

A bastard's guide 2 style

Facts are facts, i pull some serious tail out on the road when i tour the south. My bandmates ask me what my secret is, i like 2 think its an impeccable sense of style and grace. I got a couple pointers for yall, watch n learn

Ultimate Accesory: PALL MALLZ (ladies need to know you got cash)

DALE EARNHEART MOUNTAIN DEW HAT

CROCZ!

JNCO SHORTS

OLD NAVY FLANNEL

HARRY POTTER GLASSES

DALE EARNHEART SHIRT

Bastard's guide to recordering

hey yall. I spent the day in my friend fat fingers willys barn today layin down some tracks with my boys. i thought id share some wisdom with yall about the way real men make records...

Rule #.....

1- no overdubs, if you don't get it right the 1st time, become a banker or something

2- no fixin shit allowed, if you didn't get it right.... again, become a banker

3- no sentimental shit allowed. if your story ain't about stealin whiskey or makin sweet love to the preachers daughter, it's bad joo joo, get at shit out.

4- autotune- no explantion reqired

5- alchohol- reqired!

6- good weed- REQIRED! haha. yeah man

7- producers are for boys who wear eyeliner, if ya don't know how you should sound, become a banker

8- iso booths are fer bankers- real men play in 1 room

9- GIRLS! girls love being at recording studios, they find u way more attractive when ur at a studio. instant! the younger the better.

10- talkin shit- helps, but bee carful you don't get 2 personal, or yur bass player might try and stab you

11- be wary of advertisers "radio ready sound" only girls with fake tits and boys with no balls get played on the radio. NO THANK YOU MAM

12- get urself engineer that wear flannel, got a beard, and drink allot. if not, he aint fo real.

13- dont try and bond by quoting movies n shit, if you aint cool i wouldnt let you be in my band, or i just hadnt told u yet

14- cigarettz- PLZ! but close the dam door when you smoke, get my shit all smelly and shit

thats about it yall.

yall think about that shit,

i been round that block,

seen some reel shit .

urs truly

BBOY

Bastard means never havin 2 say yer sorry

real men play blues

HEY YALL, bastard here. I got back from hikin through the wildness killin boars n shit this weekend and got on my internets. i met some friends on the facebook, found some new porn sites, but WORST OF ALL....found PITCHFORK MEDIA. Apperently this is the webpage youngins are lookin at 2 find out bands and stuff. do yall still listen to BEEBEEKING??? i mean come ON! yaysayer?? you might as well listen 2 elton john. music is about a man and his guitar, not a halfman/androjunus woman playin a tamborines n a keytar.
I made a list of some things to avoid when lookin for music thats cool.
1. All electronic music is lame
2. just cuz they wear flannel and nice leather boots dont mean they know shit about bein a man and livin the grind/// beware mustaches
3. If they wear jackets in the summer, they is frauds
4. BEACHBOYS ARE DEAD, vocal harmonies are for pussy boys
5. geetar players with pedals are pussies
6. if a band makes you want 2 purchase pants or shirts>>>> turn it OFF IMEDIATLY
7. if ur music makes ppl clap on 1 and 3, do us all a favor n take a nap under a moving train
8. "freak folk????" real folk music is boring enough! jeezuz CHRIST. i alredy have an ambien perscription9. violins are fer bluegrass and old gay medival music, if you dont play those, dont play the violin
10. if IT DON't make you wanna climb on a table, holler, and grab the ass of the nearest woman and never let go,
IT MUST NOT BE BLUES,
Lightnin Hopkins would steal ur clothes, sell them to eunic gypsies, buy a gallon of whiskey, drink it all in front of yall, and skullfuck you metaforically with his licks until nothing remains.

sincerly yours,

BBoy

Knowledge Bomb #1: Get an Ugly Girl

Now I know you kids go out these days looking for dem girls with big boobies and fit behinds, but I gotta drop some knowledge bombs on yall. You lookin in the wrong place man. Pretty girls are nothin but trouble, they may have caramel thighs and a toned arms, but the next thing you know they gonna stab you in yo sleep, take yo money, and have sex with ya bass player.

Ugly women are a different breed. A life full of mockery and shame has developed they personalities into that of a saint. They always say thank you, never complain when you out drinkin with yo boys, and make love like wild animals.

Take yo ugly lover out on the town and men will compliment you on your kind deed. "Man you must be a good guy" Hell nah, I just don't want no sexy girl runnin around behind my back stealin my parliments and shakin her behind in front of other dudes at the club. knaw mean? Now dat i got the internet, i can see all the pretty girls i need to on the video sites, i got some highspeed broadband shit, i download some nasty shit sometimes, think about it when i'm lovin on my hog of a girl.

I hope yall learned somen.

BASICALLY.....

sexy girls - wolf shapeshifters who want rings, and money, and to sleep with other men

ugly girls- Mother teresas in a fat suit. no trouble at all.

KNOWLEDGE BOMB dropped yall.

Fan Mail #1: Leonard

"Hey mane, Leonard Here. I just learned internet too man and found your webpage. I relate, I watched my pop pop get killed by a mean old bear when I was a lil boy. you should post music, i think music for people with no pop pops would help bring us community together. I play the Jews Harp, let me know if you want to collaborate sometime. I live at 1345 North Whale Drive in massuchesets USA. Keep it up brother, I'll be readin yo blog everyday from now on."